This will be the final ethics section presented on the website — but it is the longest section in the book. To read more, purchase 5CT Part 1.
4-4 -- Identity
Humans care about success and failure because evolutionary success correlates to ability (to hunt, avoid predators, impress other people, solve problems, etc.). People are emotionally invested in their abilities: They experience pride in success and shame in failure. Pride and shame motivate people to improve their abilities. Pride validates effective tools while shame rejects ineffective tools.
Ethics:
The core problem of section 4-4 is that people wrongly associate external tools with the internal self. They become invested in identity, image, and the self. This means they become motivated by ability as an end in itself. This leads to egotism in success and shame in failure. Shame punishes oneself for insecurities. One can self-improve without self-punishment, so shame is unnecessary.
In their focus on identity, humans are searching for self-assurance. It’s terrifying to not trust oneself to handle the future. One who is self-assured feels adequately prepared for future challenges (this provides security, as discussed in 4-1 through 4-5 for different mental tools). The search for self-assurance drives innovation. In humanity’s competitive evolutionary environment, it was important to constantly seek advantages -- to get an edge.
Few things provide so much self-assurance as encouragement. Humans love receiving validation from others. They revel in popularity and praise. Popularity is important for humans because they lead complex social lives and rely on social bonds. Popularity is social power. As humans are social beings, social power was perhaps the most important tool for determining an individual’s evolutionary success.
Sadly, not all battles can be won. Nobody is universally liked. Nobody is infallible. Nobody is immortal. To attain self-assurance one must either accept one’s limitations or delude oneself. If one accepts one’s limitations, failure becomes productive rather than shameful -- one can learn from failure and grow.
Here is a map of the core ethical themes I will discuss in section 4-4, for reference in ↓ prose. (Map appears again at the end of the section. Suggested reading of map: Skim now to get an idea of topics; skim after to review.)
Ethical Practice: Unethical Practice:
Self-internalization Self-externalization (Underreaction)
Unconditional self-love Conditional self-love
Adaptability Rigidity
Internal validation External validation
Humility Egotism
Self-improvement Self-aggrandizement
Self-awareness Self-consciousness
Self-assurance Insecurity (Overreaction)
Nonchalance Over-seriousness
Vulnerability / Softness Guardedness / Toughness
Genuineness Affectation / Façade
Self-expression Self-repression
Humor Shame
There is a feeling of identity with which one imbues objects and ideas. One cares about the collective elements of identity as oneself. Based on the success and failure of these elements, one feels pride and shame. Objects with which one can identify include one’s body and possessions, things one likes, places one has spent time, etc. Ideas with which one can identify include religion, principles, opinions, beliefs... essentially, any idea. One can identify with people one relates to, such as friends, family, and communities.
Identity problems stem from self-externalization -- equating one’s self with these external objects and ideas. One can judge oneself as flawed because of these externalities. This leads to egotism, insecurity, and shame.
Alternatively, one can practice self-internalization: Identification with one’s experiencing self. This allows for unconditional self-love because the experiencing self is never flawed. There is an inner humanity beneath externalities. One has value merely because one has consciousness and emotions. Tools do matter (they help solve problems), but one’s worth is not defined by them. Everyone has value and deserves happiness. The underreaction of section 4-4 is Self-Internalization vs. Self-Externalization.
“You don’t have a soul, Doctor. You are a soul. You have a body, temporarily” -- Walter M. Miller Jr. “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life” -- John Lennon.
If one self-externalizes, one gives weight to judgment. Because one associates with externalities, one is personally hurt when externalities are judged. As one judges oneself, one fears the judgment of others. Fear of judgment causes one to alter one’s actions. One avoids failure and embarrassment. One adopts masks and facades to hide one’s true self both from oneself and others. Fear of judgment also leads to inaction -- people regularly choose not to act because they fear an action might end with judgment, whether from oneself or others.
Compassion also depends on self-internalization. If one doesn’t judge people for their tools, one can recognize others’ flaws without condemning them personally. This is discussed further in 3-3.
Equating one’s self-worth with externalities ties self-love to one’s successes and failures. The detachment of self-internalization allows one to love oneself unconditionally. When externalities fail, one can acknowledge, discard, and replace them without punishing one’s internal, emotional self.
Detachment from externalities is necessary for adaptability. It allows one to step back and analyze one’s tools from an objective viewpoint. If one cannot acknowledge, discard, and replace flawed tools without punishing oneself, one becomes rigid to avoid rejection. Innovation and growth require flexibility. “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” -- Lao Tzu.
One can still find pride in the things one likes about oneself without external validation. One’s struggles and successes are one’s own to be proud of. One’s abilities don’t need to be superior to those of others to be pride-worthy.
Success is also unnecessary for pride. Trying one’s best, not succeeding, is the necessary component of pride. Character is defined by intent rather than consequences, so if one honestly tries one’s best, one should be proud regardless of results.
One reason for human rigidity is the social value of consistency as a personality trait. Authenticity breeds trust. Consistency is one indicator of authenticity. When one’s behavior is inconsistent one is seen as dishonest. Consistency lets others know what to expect, allowing them to relax. This problem of consistency resembles the problem of progressivism vs traditionalism. Consistency and traditionalism have abstract value. Improvement has tangible value. Consistency is never a justification not to fix a flaw one recognizes in oneself. Change is a sign of assurance, not insecurity. One should not judge oneself or others for changing.
Internal validation is validation from one’s internal self, in one’s own beliefs. External validation is validation earned from outside the self, in successes and the approval of others. If one practices self-internalization, one seeks internal validation; if one practices self-externalization, one seeks external validation. This is because one who self-externalizes requires success and approval for self-assurance.
With internal validation, one judges tools on perceived effectiveness. With external validation, one bases judgments on popularity. One seeking internal validation thinks for oneself, while one seeking external validation relies on others to do one’s thinking. One seeking external validation cares more about perceptions than reality. Instead of prioritizing image, one should prioritize solving actual problems.
One seeking external validation turns outward rather than inward to determine what is true. One loses the ability to think for oneself. One morphs into whatever creature one believes the world will most admire. One has no real self; one is merely a simulation for validation. One is but a mask, affected more by the viewer than the wearer. As addiction to validation grows, the true self disappears. Seeking external validation leads to a cognitive bias known as The Bandwagon Effect -- the tendency to do (or believe) things because many other people do (or believe) the same.
People base their identities around external validation to attain pride and avoid shame. If one doesn’t think for oneself, one can avoid shame when one fails. One can shirk accountability for the flawed tool by blaming the flawed external validation one received. One takes no risks, which means one can’t personally fail. But it also means one can’t really personally succeed either; one was merely acting on externally-validated ideas. People love mirrors, but one can’t be true to oneself by reflecting the world back at itself.
“We are so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves” -- François de la Rochefoucauld. “Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self” -- Writer Cyril Connolly.
People rely on external validation early in life. As a child, one’s parents and mentors are more knowledgeable than one. One relies on them for validation because one doesn’t yet know what does and doesn’t work. As one grows in knowledge, rationality, and ethics, one should think for oneself.
Craving external validation also makes it impossible to attain peace of mind. Thinking for oneself is the only way to know one’s beliefs are accurate, and thus the only path to self-assurance. While internal validation has logic, one cannot know the logic behind external validation. One can neither know nor control what others think of one, and because their judgments reflect a subjective view of the world they should not be taken personally. It’s impossible to please everyone. Other people might be uninformed or illogical, have different tastes, or hold unethical views. People tend to be judgmental; that is their own cross to bear. When judged by another, one should not feel shame.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind” -- Bernard M. Baruch. “The opinion which other people have of you is their problem, not yours.” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” One should not even want universal popularity when so many people are immoral and unethical.
Self-improvement requires a proper response to criticism. Constructive criticism presents ideas for possible improvement. Destructive criticism is unkind judgment. Destructive criticism is hurtful and lacks substance; constructive criticism contains substance and should be considered. Constructive criticism: “You added more salt to this recipe than I prefer.” Destructive criticism: “You’re a dreadful cook. Also, you’re a moron.”
Constructive criticism is helpful and destructive criticism is harmful. If one cannot differentiate between the two, one risks rejecting constructive criticism offhand or accepting destructive criticism. One gets defensive when constructive people are trying to help one, thus hurting people who care about one and failing to learn from their critiques. One also takes destructive criticism seriously, feels bad about oneself, and acts on unsubstantiated critiques. One should learn to differentiate constructive and destructive criticism, then use constructive criticism to grow and ignore hurtful destructive criticism.
True friends will tell one about one’s problems and help one grow. Egotistical persons cannot be friends with those who criticize them. Insecure persons permit and internalize abuse from friends because they’re used to taking abuse from themselves. Both enablers and abusers don’t actually care. Good friends care enough both to offer constructive criticism and to not offer destructive criticism.
The only reason one wants external validation is so that one can like oneself. This is why unconditional self-love frees one from the need for external validation. Liking oneself solves the underlying problem -- one wants popularity and success precisely so one can like oneself. Whether one likes oneself is controllable; whether others like one is not. If one already feels good about oneself, one no longer worries what others think of one, or feels shame and embarrassment.
Associating with externalities makes one feel one has something to prove. The overarching competition in which one competes is the competition of Self itself. This is egotism, or seeing life as a game where victory points are won and lost in each personal success and failure. As noted throughout this model, the true victory points of life are positive emotions. Competition allows people to test their limits, which is fun and drives innovation, but competition need not define human society.
Logical fallacies which stem from self-externalization include appeals to accomplishment, success, and celebrity. These arguments appeal to the popularity, success, or accomplishment of the arguer instead of the argument’s actual merits.
People who self-externalize are braggadocious in victory and petulant in defeat because they are heavily invested in their tools. People who self-internalize are humble in victory and gracious in defeat. Self-internalization is key to good sportsmanship. Humility and graciousness allow one to have fun and make friends in competition whether one wins or loses. Egotism turns people off by displaying vanity.
Subjectivity and egotism lead to the cognitive bias of Naïve Realism -- The belief that we see reality as it really is – objectively and without bias; that the facts are plain for all to see; that rational people will agree with us; and that those who don't are either uninformed, lazy, irrational, or biased. They also lead to Illusory Superiority -- Overestimating one's desirable qualities, and underestimating undesirable qualities, relative to other people.
Another fault of egotism is that it causes one to judge and obstruct others to make one feel better about oneself and one’s own life.
Egotism involves naysaying others to appear smarter by comparison. This is apparent in those who rebel against popular entities merely because they are popular. In the logic of egotism, if one is above something everyone likes, one is above everyone. The more people one considers inferior, the more superior one feels. Examples of this are extreme hipsters, counter-culturals, and devil’s advocates. They satisfy the ego by negating others rather than by accomplishing something themselves.
Egotism and over-seriousness deny humanity and happiness. Another common example of people elevating themselves “above” popular media is the rejection of “children’s” entertainment, such as animated movies, pop music, or games in general, to feel more adult. But children and adults enjoy the same types of entertainment: education, relaxation, socialization, competition, and satisfaction. Both like pretty colors, beautiful melodies, and displays of athletic greatness. If one is contemptuous of things children enjoy, one is contemptuous of all things adults enjoy.
Treating entertainment as a competition only causes one to become less entertained. Though there is certainly joy and value in consuming and understanding “high art”, there is no shame in enjoying “low art.” So long as one doesn’t harm others to achieve one’s desires, one should accept happiness however it comes. Personality is a playground, not a competition.
Much of egotism is wanting an impressive personality. Self-assurance is necessary for social power because if one doesn’t trust one’s own authority, neither will others. People seeking to copy popular people recognize that insecurity and shame are unpopular traits. But instead of taking themselves less seriously and gaining true self-assurance, they take themselves more seriously and use egotism to mask insecurities. But egotism is unpopular for the same reason as insecurity: The trait most humans consider 2nd least impressive in personality (behind immorality) is self-obsession. Egotism attempts to demonstrate self-assurance but instead demonstrates insecurity.
One reason it’s nice to be impressive is that it’s both enjoyable and useful to be taken seriously. But the way to be taken seriously isn’t to display extreme confidence, but instead to display confidence proportional to one’s actual level of confidence. If one is often confident but wrong, one won’t be taken seriously; if one is never confident, one won’t be taken seriously either.
Viewing life as a competition causes one to focus on success rather than happiness. Success-focus can be seen in capitalist societies. Capitalism implicitly teaches people that happiness is directly tied to personal success. It turns society into a competitive game.
Capitalism rewards people for profitable externalities but fails to acknowledge the internal humanity of each person. Unfettered capitalism normalizes competition, encourages exploitation, and creates monopolies which increase inequality. Individuals are taught and forced to prioritize profitability over happiness. But profitability is less important than happiness. Not all ethical actions are profitable in terms of material wealth, and not all profitable actions are ethical.
People seeking internal validation focus on self-improvement, while people seeking external validation focus on self-aggrandizement. Self-improvement seeks to be the best possible version of oneself; self-aggrandizement seeks to justify the current version of oneself as the best. Self-improvement accomplishes something; self-aggrandizement does not. Pride gained from self-improvement is fairly earned.
As much as humans hate to admit it, not one among them is perfect. Everyone has ways to improve, if they want to. Growth is obviously valuable: it increases ability. Honest attempts at self-improvement naturally lead to self-awareness as one acknowledges and apprehends one’s flaws. Self-awareness allows one to recognize one’s shortcomings are not isolated or temporary, but reflect deeper flaws in oneself. Acknowledging these deeper flaws is difficult but necessary for growth. If one understands one’s flaws, one can fix them.
Where self-awareness works to solve problems, self-consciousness worries about image. With self-consciousness, one is less worried about being good and more worried about seeming good. One becomes distracted thinking about one’s ability rather than focusing on the task at hand. Self-consciousness takes one out of the moment so one can worry about one’s image; tragically, this harms one’s ability and thus one’s image. Self-consciousness naturally leads to insecurity because insecurities stem from worries about one’s skills.
The only way one can convince oneself one is perfect is by locking oneself into the solitary confinement of solipsistic contempt. It’s otherwise impossible to be egotistical and not develop insecurity. Egotism wants validation insatiably, and nobody is infinitely skilled, so one becomes self-conscious and worries about image. Because one isn’t thinking for oneself, one can never truly be sure of oneself, and one’s insecurity remains. There are always personal shortcomings about which one can worry.
One reason people are insecure is that they compare their complicated, flawed inner selves with the performative, masked selves others display to the world. If everyone displays strength but is actually weak, everyone feels insecure.
If one is self-aware and honestly trying to self-improve, one feels self-assurance. One knows one is doing one’s best and is aware of one’s limitations, so there is no reason to feel insecure. The overreaction of section 4-4 is Self-Assurance vs. Insecurity.
The quest for self-assurance is a sort of tension based on the need to make sure one is doing the right thing at any given time. The nagging voice that says “is there something I’m missing?” can be a tool for self-improvement rather than a source of insecurity.
One shouldn’t be ashamed to occasionally require assurance. Sometimes one feels vulnerable and it’s helpful to hear that everything is okay. Nobody is perfect, people face daunting challenges daily, and everyone needs help sometimes.
If one is self-assured, one becomes nonchalant (doesn’t take oneself seriously). If one is insecure, one takes oneself seriously. Taking oneself seriously is problematic; if one is focused on image, one is not focused on reality. One should take problems seriously, not oneself. This way one can focus on problem-solving rather than self-inflation.
Taking oneself seriously also leads to emotional problems. One becomes uptight, and is upset by every small failure. One gets too wrapped up in playing a role and forgets how to be oneself. One is calculated and strategic with oneself. One can’t enjoy oneself, or doesn’t allow oneself to be happy, because one is unsatisfied with one’s image.
It’s an unbelievable relief to stop worrying about the game of self-competition and image. One can stop constantly:
Stressing about how each action reflects on one’s image.
Pushing oneself too hard because of image-motivated ambitions.
Analyzing past actions and punishing oneself for embarrassing choices.
Comparing oneself to others.
Avoiding self-expression for fear of judgment.
Clinging to faulty tools because one identifies with them.
Craving popularity and wearing masks.
Feeling dissatisfied because of personal shortcomings.
Feeling shame.
Nonchalant people are unafraid to show vulnerability, while people taking themselves seriously value toughness. By being vulnerable, one opens oneself up to rejection. Insecure people fear rejection, so they build walls to protect themselves.
Toughness, or guardedness, is defined by an attempt to portray an image of strength. Tough people seem undisturbed by problems and confident; nothing changes them; they hide their weaknesses; they intimidate. This behavior is effective for warding off predators, but less so for communicating with oneself and others. They show no personality or uniqueness lest they be judged.
If one is guarded, one cannot accept constructive criticism. In one’s display of strength, one creates a safe space which shelters one from concepts one finds personally offensive.
Toughness involves wanting to appear independent. One shouldn’t be ashamed to receive a hand up, to have another make sacrifices for one; one should instead pay the selflessness forward, using one’s new height to give others a hand up. No human is completely independent. Because humans are extremely specialized and extremely social, they rely on one another a lot. It’s okay to rely on others when one needs help, and if one’s helpers are moral they won’t mind helping. Most people find meaning in helping others (though repeatedly requiring help can of course grow tiresome).
Independence is, of course, a good thing. One should strive to be able to solve one’s own problems, and not to burden others. However, people often argue for the importance of independence because of immoral reasons. Some revere independence because they’ve received little help in their own life and are jealous of those who receive more; some are upset because they don’t think people deserve help. Others exalt independence to justify their own unhelpfulness, such as billionaires who share money-saving tips (“If you go to Starbucks once less per week, you can put that money toward…”). One sort of corruption is spreading pro-independence propaganda (personal responsibility) to justify the powerful not helping the powerless.
Tough people want to seem physically strong and mentally gifted. One who intends to appear intelligent doesn’t ask many questions, even to themselves, as questions admit a lack of knowledge. This comforts one’s ego temporarily, but prevents one from expanding one’s knowledge and thinking things through. One who intends to appear tough is unwilling to ask for, accept, or show gratitude for help, admit flaws or faults, or display emotion.
True strength is not being right about everything -- it’s admitting when one is wrong. This is vulnerability. It’s human to be flawed, fail, and grow. People connect with one another based on that humanity. Vulnerability humanizes people. Guardedness dehumanizes people.
People who prioritize toughness have recognized that insecurity is socially undesirable. They mask their insecurity by pretending nothing affects them. They see humanity -- emotion and flaw -- as weakness, so they reject their own humanity to appear strong. These people are dangerous, as they aim to care about strength at the expense of humanity. They prove their toughness by enduring and inflicting pain.
True strength is not a tough exterior impervious to change; it’s a tough interior that stays assured regardless of external adaptation. Vulnerable people are willing to be honest about themselves and display their emotions because they don’t need to prove their strength. They have internal validation, so they do not need external validation.
“When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable” -- Madeleine L'Engle. “Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength” -- Ralph W. Sockman.
Because guarded people are afraid of failure, they tend to follow pre-validated patterns. They mimic the successes of others instead of choosing who they want to be. Men attempt to be masculine, based on their conceptions of masculinity. Women attempt to be feminine. Teenagers attempt to be adult. School children mimic popular peers.
Guarded people wear masks and facades, built to reflect what the viewer wants to see rather than one’s true self. In one’s self-obsession, one pretends to be someone rather than just being oneself. The validation one receives is not true validation as it’s based on a false persona.
By contrast, nonchalant people are genuine. They are free from the cloud of worrying about image and can focus on reality. They act authentically, untroubled by perception. Their laid-back nature and genuineness earn them more external validation than guarded peoples’ rigid facades, even though they aren’t craving it. And the validation they receive is of their true self.
Genuineness does not entail total interpersonal honesty. ‘Don’t tell lies’ is just something leaders/parents teach to keep power over followers/children. Good leaders instead say ‘you can be honest with me,’ asking for rather than demanding trust. It isn’t unethical to not trust people. Freely trusting everyone exposes oneself to harm.
Self-expression is joyous, whether done via art, song, dance, cleaning, completing tasks… one can express oneself in any creative activity. Self-expression allows one to test ideas, both by verbalizing them and receiving feedback. Self-assured people express themselves, while insecure people repress themselves to avoid rejection.
Singing isn’t joyous when one is self-conscious about one’s voice. Dancing isn’t joyous when one is self-conscious about one’s coordination. But people who don’t take themselves seriously can sing and dance poorly and have a great time. One shouldn’t hide oneself.
Failures are even productive as they eliminate incorrect tools, allowing for innovation and growth. Failure is often necessary for success. Thomas Edison’s career is a monument to failure: He famously invented by trying hundreds of ineffective ideas for each successful invention, experimenting with all sorts of filament materials in his lightbulbs to find the most effective one. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work” -- Thomas Edison. “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” -- George Bernard Shaw. “Try again, fail again. Fail better” -- Samuel Beckett. “You can’t win them all;” “you win some, you lose some;” “live and learn.”
The more one cares about one’s self-conception, the more shame one feels when one fails. But even failure becomes enjoyable as one develops the ability to laugh at oneself. Laughing at oneself requires one not to take oneself seriously. The difference between laughing with people and laughing at people relies on self-internalization. If one equates the person with its humorous flaw, one laughs at the person. If one disassociates the person from the flaw, one laughs with the person.
Humor is the opposite of shame because humor involves laughing with oneself/others for flaws and shame involves judging oneself/others for flaws. Humor relates to validation and rejection. For humans to find something funny, it must include both elements of both validation and rejection. A funny concept is expected in one way and unexpected in another.
Set-ups establish something expected; punchlines add an unexpected context.
Puns combine two expected words in an unexpected way.
Sarcasm is rejection mockingly masked as validation
Unexpected truths are funny
Unlikely things really happening is also funny
Repetition is funny when an expected concept is used in an unexpected context.
Logical fallacies are often funny, turning sound premises into ridiculous conclusions
Observational humor places something known in a new light
Mockery exaggerates a true characteristic
Irony involves image differing from reality
Pure absurdism is not funny
Dry information is not funny
Humor is important to understand and value because it creates self-improvement without shame. It rejects something invalid while also generating positive emotion.
Notes on humor: 1. Laughing at people (mockery) is a zero-sum game (humor + shame); laughing with people is a positive-sum game (humor + humor). 2. Different senses of humor are based on different peoples’ expectations, as well as different views about what should be taken seriously. 3. This theory discusses humor as it relates to ethics but does not discuss the psychology of humor.
To review -- here are the core ethical themes of 4-4:
Ethical Practice: Unethical Practice:
Self-internalization Self-externalization (Underreaction)
Unconditional self-love Conditional self-love
Adaptability Rigidity
Internal validation External validation
Humility Egotism
Self-improvement Self-aggrandizement
Self-awareness Self-consciousness
Self-assurance Insecurity (Overreaction)
Nonchalance Over-seriousness
Vulnerability / Softness Guardedness / Toughness
Genuineness Affectation / Façade
Self-expression Self-repression
Humor Shame
One is more than the sum of one’s external parts. One should love oneself regardless of validation. If one does, one can adapt and improve. One can experience self-assurance and humor; one can avoid insecurity and shame. As demonstrated throughout this section, self-internalization greatly increases both happiness and ability.
If one is trying one’s best to self-improve and one accepts oneself, failure triggers humor instead of shame. Shame cannot motivate further improvement beyond trying one’s best, and accepting limitations prevents personal deficiency from generating shame. In narrative a character fails and learns from it, it’s a comedy; if a character fails and doesn’t learn, it’s a tragedy. One cannot grow or overcome one’s flaws if one refuses to change.